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Inauguration.

I always wanted to start a “blog” but I’ve never knew how to begin. So here I am, confused and lonely, trying to make this work. I am your average 18 year old. College, work, and lots of bottled up emotions. Through this I want to share parts of me that I am too afraid to share with others. Maybe through this process you’ll realize that you can relate to me, or that we are in fact total opposites with no shared values. Thank you all!

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journal entry #1

Lately I’ve just been feeling like I’m only existing, and not living my life to it’s full potential…doing the bare minimum. I am not doing anything extraordinary, spontaneous, or extravagant, just working, and paying bills and that is not how I pictured my 20 year old life going. A change is so necessary, but I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t want to be one of those adults in my 30’s spending my life alone, and wishing that I lived a different life. I hope within these next few months I learn new ways to wash away this feeling of stillness and be blessed with the ability to find a new and more meaningful path for myself.

..

i’ve never been the popular girl. never surrounded myself with too many people, or caught the eye of random strangers. ordinary…average. my mouth is smart, and my attitude is wicked. my weekends are boring, i spend my days in my bed with miles of never ending food and snacks binge-watching Netflix. i want things to change, i want friends. i want to be loved. i want to be held. i want to live a life worth-living..

1 A.M.

restless, I think about you

the raging roar of emotions

and all the unbearable pain you put me through

I didn’t deserve to be pushed to the side and forgotten like a unwanted toy

because I am worthy of so much more

I deserved to be love completely with no doubt in your mind

and no anger in your heart

constantly my mind spins with the phrases “what did I do wrong?”, “was it my fault?”

but in all reality I don’t think you were ready

as time goes on and days pass in a blur

I hope you begin to realize the damage you have done

the pain you have caused

and realize there is no moving forward from here..

Deception.

it’s funny how life works out

in our minds we set aside things we do not wish to happen, like fall in love.

but one day, on one boring day, you came into my eyesight and my mind forgot about everything I pushed aside

that day i fell in love, causing my life to change forever

The Beginning.

we had a bond, an unbreakable bond. it started off as something so little and worked it’s way up to something so big. We had created a level of trust, and love, that I have not reached with no other, and as we grew stronger, i became happier. you were my better half. we laughed, and we joked and turned every small moment in to something so precious. that’s what i liked about you, you could always make the little things appear bigger than they seemed. but they say time flies when your having fun… sadly, the fun ran out, and that’s when the pain began..

The Breaking.

You see i’ve been through enough to know my boundaries, but with you they were limitless. I continued to let you break me down, to make me weak, because i loved you and I saw the good in you no matter how poorly i was treated. you took control of my mind and I was the passenger. i watched your every move, where you steered and turned and i began to learn the direction that you were headed, but i just couldn’t let the journey end, i couldn’t bring myself to end it so soon. you knew me well, so you knew each and every way to break me, and that’s what you did. every secret I told you during our moments together, every fear became a weapon and it crushed me. Things we spoke about in private became public and that was the final blow. you left me gasping for air in a bloodbath on the floor, in the place that was created for just you and I, from all the damaged you caused. I silently screamed for you, but you never came.

The Hurting.

I cried, and cried, and cried some more. I began to question myself… wondered why I wasn’t good enough..wondered how i could have made it work. I starved myself. spent days and days in a dark room, lonely, isolated, trying to piece back my broken hurt. I was losing myself as the days went on. I was going mad for a person who left me to fix a broken spirit I did not create. Once again i was alone. I would dream about you. I would wake up screaming, tears streaming down my face and eventually I would cry myself to sleep and the process would repeat itself. my days were weary. I would try to write to let go of the pain, but it was only temporary. that feeling of emptiness and hurt would come drifting back in and my mind wept softly because it missed you. every remedy was a failure and i could not be fixed.

The Ending.

I am trapped in the mist of your love.

a prisoner waiting to be set free. I will find myself, and when i do, she will emerge from the dark and she will shine so bright and you will realize that you were the one who lost in the end. that she needed you, and you failed to be there, so she found someone else. she found someone to patch up the wounds you created and to show her a love so deep that left her so glad it didn’t work out with you.